Vampire-Fighting, Paleo Style

I recently re-read the Elizabeth Kostova's book The Historian. I am freaked out by how much I LOVE THIS BOOK. It's an old-fashioned, can't-turn-the-pages-fast-enough swashbuckler told through letters, diary entries, postcards, and reminiscences. It combines history, romance, adventure, and an abiding love of books – and there are secrets among secrets among secrets. Deliciously mysterious! I'm not giving anything away by telling you that it centers around the legend of Vlad the Impaler and the Dracula myth (or is it?). Much of the action takes place in libraries and on trains... and the characters travel to mysterious locales – Turkey, Romania, Hungary – to determine if Vlad was really a vampire.

Vlad the Impaler. Nice 'stache, dude.

I started the book in Prague and gave myself the heeby-jeebies thinking about it while walking down shadowy cobblestone alleys. I finished it just in time for Halloween...

Did you know that a handful of our favorite paleo-friendly foods are effective weapons against vampires?! I'm just saying: this knowedge might come in handy over the next 36 hours.

Garlic
Aside from being monstrously delicious, studies have shown that garlic can lower cholesterol, prevent blood clots, reduce blood pressure, prevent cancer, and protect against bacterial and fungal infections. It's also your numero uno protection against Vlad. Just festoon your windows and doors with garlic ropes, drape a few cloves around your neck, and for bonus protection, rub some in your armpits (Um... ew.). You can also mix crushed garlic with water and use as a savory eau de toilette.

Seeds
You know the advice: "Eat meat and vegetables, nuts and seeds, some fruit, little starch and no sugar."

I've been driven to distraction by the tempation of Sunbutter made from sunflower seeds... turns out, ol' fang-face is distracted by seeds, too. According to European peasant superstition, you can keep a vampire from rising from his coffin if you fill it with seeds. When the moon is high in the sky and Dracula ia ready to start his hunt, he'll be compelled to count and eat the seeds, one by one... which can take him all night. Any seeds will do – caraway, mustard, carrot – but poppy is a favorite because of their narcotic effect. For added protection, sprinkle your roof and sidewalk, too.

Sea Salt
The world is made up of "sweets people" and "salty people." I am firmly in the salty camp – it's so hard to resist popcorn, tortilla chips, and other salty goodness. And now another reason to love salt: it's a vampire GPS. Just deposit salt on the floor around your bed. If you're attacked by a vampire, the salt will stick to his feet and your avenging heroes will be able to follow the salt trail from your bedchamber (I know in the 21st century we say "bedroom" but doesn't "bedchamber" seem appropriate here?) to Dracula's coffin... presumably to drive a stake through his cold, cold heart.

Lard
Back in the day, Romanians slaughtered pigs on St. Ignatious Day, rendered their fat, and rubbed it all over "suspicious corpses" to keep them from rising and biting. I like to translate that into, "A little bacon goes a long way... toward fighting the undead."

Now that you know the best bloodsucker repellents, here's a recipe that uses all of the magic charms listed above, just in case you want to rally your vampire-fighting power in the form of dinner.

Vampire-Fighting Paleo Pork

Ingredients:
1 medium onion, 1/4-inch dice
4-5 cloves garlic, crushed
1 apple, 1/2-inch dice
1 lb. pork, cut into1-inch cubes (any cut but loin)
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 cup chicken broth
2 tablespoons grainy mustard
1 tablespoon poppy or caraway seeds
coconut oil or olive oil

Directions:
1. Preheat large sauté pan on medium-high 2–3 minutes. Put oil in pan, then add pork, sprinkle generously with salt and pepper, and cook until well-browned on all sides. Place in slow cooker on high heat.*

2. In the same pan, cook the onions and garlic until soft and translucent. Don't burn the garlic! When the onions are soft and beginning to brown, add to the slow cooker.

3. Mix broth, mustard, seeds, salt, and pepper, then add to slow cooker and mix well. Cover and cook on high heat for two hours.

4. Add diced apple to cooker and cook an additional hour.

To serve: Place a bed of sautéed cabbage or cooked spaghetti squash in a deep bowl and top with the pork stew.

*If you don't have a slow cooker, cook the pork and onions as directed, add the broth and seasonings, bring to a boil, then simmer for two hours. Add the apples and simmer for another two hours.